Next (2007)

Really!?! This movie is INANE. And my watching it is Joel's fault. It was on when I got home from the grocery store. I'd missed about 15 minutes of the beginning or so but apparently I didn't miss much.

Nic Cage is a Las Vegas magician (this is the part I missed) who can see a whole 2 minutes into the future. Oh boy. Then he sees this girl in a vision. Enter Jessica Biel. Who, I must mention, is a full 18 years younger than Cage. He "saves" her from a stalker of an ex boyfriend in a restaurant (it's completely beside the fact that Cage is there because he's stalking her, too), she offers to drive him to ?? Tulsa?? somewhere, they get a hotel after she shows him that she teaches on an Indian reservation at the Grand Canyon (so we know she's a caring, good person), they get a hotel (he chivalrously says he'll sleep in the car--HER car), but they have sex the next morning as she's walking around in a towel soaking wet from the shower. Right. Supposedly she has a brain because at the restaurant where she encounters both stalkers, Cage runs through several scenarios of introducing himself to her and she rejects all of them with pseudo-witty lines that are deft enough to make his pretend self go away and think of a new idea. But, noooooo, when faced with Cage's obvious sex appeal and wonderfully fake hair, she just can't contain herself. Clearly. Anyway, the Feds are after him because some bad guys have smuggled a HUGE nuclear bomb into LA and plan to detonate it ASAP and they need Cage to tell them where it is--a whole two minutes before it blows up the west coast. Right. Meanwhile the bad guys are also after Cage for some reason unknown to the audience. Sooooo. We run through one LOOOOONG painful scenario and then it turns out badly (in that the nuclear bomb is detonated) so we learn that it was just Cage going through it in his head--apparently we aren't following the two minute rule anymore. So we're back at the hotel post-coital. Cage starts a new scenario, we can only take a wild guess as to whether this one is real or not. Meanwhile, we've been suffering through terrible dialogue (of the quality that even Julianne Moore can't act around), broken rules, random special effects that change with a whim every time Cage sees into the future (strange noises, multiple Cages, etc.).

This may be the worst movie ever made. Really. Ever.